The Days Come and Go

Just A Thought:
The days come and go like muffled and veiled figures sent from a distant friendly party, but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts they bring, they carry them as silently away.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I begin to write my blog I sit and wait... for the perfect word or thought to share... I'll read and reread, write and rewrite, while searching through my books for a quote until I find the perfect one. The beginning of each entry is like the familiar "free writing" exercise during which ideas are just written down without direction. Eventually I find my way through the clutter that are my thoughts. "Patience"...there it is and finally my thoughts connect.
Patience is not something we possess but something we strive for...I can't find the energy or desire to search today... I just feel the weight of every little problem stacked one on top of another. I used to keep a log in which I wrote daily at least one good thing, or gift, that I received that day. Somedays it was easy to add several good things that happened, or gifts that I'd receive. I also had days that seemed horrible, and I found it hard to believe that anything was positive... But Emerson is right...if we don't allow ourselves to see the good things in each day, they will slip silently away...I think I'll start that list again. My "positive" for today is my appreciation for my father... and the coffee and muffin that we had together this morning...

Infinite Hope

Just A Thought:
We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
Dr. Martin Luther King

Hope.

Staring at the shape of each letter, the simplicity of its sound, its hidden meaning.... I wonder how it relates to me...
My desire is to create a space in my world and in my thoughts for hope. What a simple idea, but a desperate notion for those with Bipolar disorder. Hope seems like a physical being that is around each corner just out of reach. My manic moments can sometimes cause racing thoughts and confusion and I can't retrieve words or ideas. The hopelessness... I'll never be the person that I was. The despair... is a heavy weight on my chest and I can't breathe. The manic high...feeling success... I've conquered my illness and I've found the hope that was always elusive. I'm sure that this time it's over... Finally.
...But i've had this illness long enough to know... to just know...what's next. I try to prepare by using all of the tricks i've learned. That golden thread that connects me to my friends and family just in case I can't find my way out of the darkness. I like to have a space that I can retreat to in order to slow my breathing. I also take my PRN ( prescription as needed) that helps calm me down so that I don't slip deeper into the depths of depression. It feels like I'd been holding my breath and it finally allows me to breathe long and deep. It doesn't completely take away the depression... it allows me to think more clearly so that time in my quiet space is more effective and the walls don't close in. Hope...slowly returning... There is infinite hope to try to grasp onto... elusive as it feels... at least I know its there.