Feeling the Warmth of the Sun... at Peace

The present moment is significant, not as the bridge between past and future, but by reason of its contents, which can fill our emptiness and become ours, if we are capable of receiving them.
...Dag Hammarskjold

I'm feeling really calm... My mind isn't racing and I'm allowing myself to be in the moment without looking over my shoulder waiting and watching for the next mood change. I'm able to read more often with the speed of the average adult not needing to reread a paragraph. I'm learning to use a camera to take photos, which is very calming and it allows me to focus in order to help slow my thoughts. I still forget words and names. I still lose a thought when I'm having a conversation and I learn new skills slowly with repetition and patience know matter how simple the task may be. But today I feel slow, at peace and very calm. My heart isn't beating too fast, my hands aren't shaking, and I can appreciate the warmth of the sun on the back of my neck. I'm also OK with my house...not fitting into those neat little boxes. I'm living in the moment.

Compassion

I know that it's been awhile since my last post... Christmas and holiday has kept me busy. I haven't given up. When I haven't posted in awhile it's often when I'm having a difficult time with my illness. Anxiety and stress cause my thoughts to become confusing to me and it feels like my brain is shutting down. I'm starting to have clear thinking... Although I notice it's difficult to write this blog. I know what I want to say but it's difficult to compose anything that sounds intelligent and is meaningful. It feels like my head hurts from the confusion that I experience. But I felt the need to share an experience that I had recently as I was using my new i-pad. I was in a bookstore enjoying my cup of tea when a beautiful young woman, who looked like a high power executive, came in and sat near me. The young woman started to talk to an older couple also sitting close by. The conversation began and she, i-pod hanging around her neck, apologized because she would be talking aloud quite a bit. That seemed innocent enough until she started talking about "a mind group that she is connected to". She asked the older couple if they had ever heard of this before. They politely said no that they hadn't. The conversation took an unusual turn when she said that the talking in her head started when she began listening to her i-pod and the people in her head where calling her names that I won't repeat. She believed that the people were young kids because they spent the day calling her these horrible names which she repeatedly used as she told her story . The couple were uncomfortable and walked away as did many other people. She sat alone as everyone stared at her nervously. Even though I understand their fear I was very sad for this woman. I felt tears welling up in my eyes as she walked quietly away. It is so difficult to have a mental illness of any kind in our society because it is still a taboo subject and so many mentally ill people remain in the darkness feeling shame and isolation. Very often medical insurance doesn't cover treatment at all or covers very little. Disability Insurance also provides limited coverage compared to other illnesses as I've personally experienced. Laws have changed, but not nearly enough. People with no insurance, no family support and no significant income are often living in dire surcomstances.

With compassion, we see benevolently our own human condition and the condition of our fellow beings. We drop prejudice. We withhold judgement.

Christina Baldwin