True Wisdom

True wisdom lies in gathering the precious things out of each day as it goes by.

E.S. Bouton

I am so sorry for any followers that have wondered where I've been. I could make a lot of excuses as to why I haven't posted an entry since August but... it's too exhausting to lie. The truth is that I tried to change my password to make it easier to remember... I have passwords for everything and I forget every one. When I write them down... I forget where I put the paper... Jim just laughs.  So I decided to make the same password for everything... but of course some pages won't let me have too many letters, others want numbers and letters, still others tell me that my password isn't "strong enough". When I finally find one that follows all of the rules, I'm told that I will receive a notice in my e-mail. Then I become more confused by the e-mail, because I've tried to change other password in the meantime to continue to follow through on my brilliant idea, WITHOUT READING THE ******! e-mail...and yes...  once again I am not allowed to use the stupid password so I HAVE TO MAKE UP A NEW ONE THAT HAS JUST ONE EXTRA LETTER/NUMBER THING! I gave up for a little while soooooo... that is the whole darned truth... I hope it makes sense... Confusion is absolutely one symptom of bipolar... but I can't lie... it is also a symptom of "What in the hell were you thinking!" 

If you are wondering about my "True Wisdom"... here it is... don't mess around with your password if you know that YOU WON'T REMEMBER IT!!!!!! My "precious thing" of the day is a wonderful husband who has a clue about computers.... 

You know... sometimes the truth is exhausting too. 

The Days Come and Go

Just A Thought:
The days come and go like muffled and veiled figures sent from a distant friendly party, but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts they bring, they carry them as silently away.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I begin to write my blog I sit and wait... for the perfect word or thought to share... I'll read and reread, write and rewrite, while searching through my books for a quote until I find the perfect one. The beginning of each entry is like the familiar "free writing" exercise during which ideas are just written down without direction. Eventually I find my way through the clutter that are my thoughts. "Patience"...there it is and finally my thoughts connect.
Patience is not something we possess but something we strive for...I can't find the energy or desire to search today... I just feel the weight of every little problem stacked one on top of another. I used to keep a log in which I wrote daily at least one good thing, or gift, that I received that day. Somedays it was easy to add several good things that happened, or gifts that I'd receive. I also had days that seemed horrible, and I found it hard to believe that anything was positive... But Emerson is right...if we don't allow ourselves to see the good things in each day, they will slip silently away...I think I'll start that list again. My "positive" for today is my appreciation for my father... and the coffee and muffin that we had together this morning...

Infinite Hope

Just A Thought:
We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
Dr. Martin Luther King

Hope.

Staring at the shape of each letter, the simplicity of its sound, its hidden meaning.... I wonder how it relates to me...
My desire is to create a space in my world and in my thoughts for hope. What a simple idea, but a desperate notion for those with Bipolar disorder. Hope seems like a physical being that is around each corner just out of reach. My manic moments can sometimes cause racing thoughts and confusion and I can't retrieve words or ideas. The hopelessness... I'll never be the person that I was. The despair... is a heavy weight on my chest and I can't breathe. The manic high...feeling success... I've conquered my illness and I've found the hope that was always elusive. I'm sure that this time it's over... Finally.
...But i've had this illness long enough to know... to just know...what's next. I try to prepare by using all of the tricks i've learned. That golden thread that connects me to my friends and family just in case I can't find my way out of the darkness. I like to have a space that I can retreat to in order to slow my breathing. I also take my PRN ( prescription as needed) that helps calm me down so that I don't slip deeper into the depths of depression. It feels like I'd been holding my breath and it finally allows me to breathe long and deep. It doesn't completely take away the depression... it allows me to think more clearly so that time in my quiet space is more effective and the walls don't close in. Hope...slowly returning... There is infinite hope to try to grasp onto... elusive as it feels... at least I know its there.

Just A Thought: Good Poems Selected By Garrison Keillor

Soaking Up Sun
By Tom Hennen

Today there is the kind of sunshine old men love, the kind of day when my grandfather would sit on the south side of the wooden corncrib where the sunlight warmed slowly all through the day like a wood stove. One after another dry leaves fell. No painful memories came. Everything was lit by a halo of light. The cornstalks glinted bright as pieces of glass. From the fields and cottonwood grove came the damp smell of mushrooms, of things going back to earth. I sat with my grandfather then. Sheep came up to us there, their oily wool so warm to my fingers, like a strange and magic snow. My grandfather whittled sweet smelling apple sticks just to get at the scent. His thumb had a permanent groove in it where the back of the knife blade rested. He let me listen to the wind, the wild geese, the soft dialect of sheep, while his own silence taught me every secret thing he knew.

This reminds me of precious moments in my life when I've been truly at peace... without fear, anger, sadness, anxiety or panic without manic moments... Feeling...just being o.k. With feeling.

Lavender Castle

Just A Thought:
"Friendship makes prosperity more brilliant, and lightens adversity by dividing and sharing it."
Cicero



It's been awhile since my last post.I assumed that no one was really out there reading what I had to say. Once I stopped writing it became more difficult to start again. It wasn't until recently, when I was with friends, sisters really, that I understood the impact it had on those faithful followers of my blog, regardless of how few or how many. I really was making a difference even if it was just creating a window for others to see through,whether they share my illness, know someone who does or just want to understand. I was also inspired by a truly amazing person, who I was humbled by because of her positive, almost humorous view of the challenges that she faces in her own life. We have very different battles but we also found some common ground. If she is able to laugh in the face of adversity, then I can certainly try as well, "one lavender brick at a time with my sisters..... And Little Cathy I promise we'll only have skylights"...that last bit, sisters, was for all of you. Thanks Beth for getting us together. It brought back some memories...and made me laugh...pass it on.
In and Out of ADT

Courage and Imperfections

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them...every day begin the task anew.
Saint Frances de Sales

Knitting two projects...both challenging, sewing an organizer for my knitting needles, exercising 3x per week, participating in a book club...maybe two, keeping up with my blog as well as my own writing journal, trying to figure out the next phase of my working life... by the expected and accepted time table but not really understanding it, and always keeping my regularly scheduled Dr. visits. For several weeks I've been able to keep up this pace. I'd hoped that this was like the remission of other illnesses. I was asked by my Dr. if this was too much for me. I assured her that I was enjoying it and not feeling any anxiety. Then the "pressured" speech began along with the elephant sitting on my chest, and difficulty counting 115 knitting stitches by two. I reached a certain number and drew a blank...I started to panic which made everything worse. I also had difficulty processing information that was spoken regarding important matters... which brought me almost to tears. I was making many knitting mistakes on simple skills. Things clearly began to crumble but I chose to step back, take a breath, have patience, ask for help and limit my activities. I'm feeling much better but I'm trying to find the courage to have patience with myself and to begin each day with reasonable goals that will help me to focus on the new day.

Sparkling Stars and Melting Snowflakes

We have only this moment,sparkling like a star in our hands...and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.
Marie Benyon Ray

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments.
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Those moments are precious but often forgotten or overlooked. I work hard to live in each moment...to enjoy writing my blog, or in my journal with its random thoughts, mistakes and memories, its writing exercises with "quick writes" about coffee, washing dishes, or a favorite chair. I try reading a book from my "always wanted to or should have read list". Reading and writing are a therapeutic endeavor, which helps me focus, gives me purpose and reminds me of who I really am when those unforgiving moments are filled with depression, anxiety, racing thoughts and behaviors as well as the moments of feeling nothing. Feeling nothing is not the absence of laughter or of tears...it is for me the lack of the hills and valleys of emotion. I envision........
This sentence remains as it has for more than an hour...without an ending.

Let It Wipe Another's Tears...

"Have you had a kindness shown?
Pass it on!
'twas not given for thee alone,
Pass it on!
Let it travel down the years,
Let it wipe another's tears,
Till in Heaven the deed appears,
Pass it on!"

Henry Burton

A hand was extended to me in my darkest despair, at a time when I wasn't able to reach out to grasp it...when I couldn't breathe or feel or think for myself...the darkness wrapped around me like a blanket. My world didn't extend beyond the depression. I needed others to be my voice. As I began to find my way out, I held tightly to others until I could stand on my own. I needed help and I probably always will to some degree. I was difficult to be around because I could easily drag others under. I am a survivor every day in which I breathe, feel and think without help...when I've smiled, laughed and viewed the world in all its beauty.
I've recently been given the gift of "paying it forward", of being the one to extend a hand during someone's darkest moments...to become a lifeline when needed..."to wipe Another's tears". The old saying "by helping others we help ourselves" is absolutely true...so I guess mom was right...well I guess I better start wearing a hat in the winter or I'll catch my death of cold.

Feeling the Warmth of the Sun... at Peace

The present moment is significant, not as the bridge between past and future, but by reason of its contents, which can fill our emptiness and become ours, if we are capable of receiving them.
...Dag Hammarskjold

I'm feeling really calm... My mind isn't racing and I'm allowing myself to be in the moment without looking over my shoulder waiting and watching for the next mood change. I'm able to read more often with the speed of the average adult not needing to reread a paragraph. I'm learning to use a camera to take photos, which is very calming and it allows me to focus in order to help slow my thoughts. I still forget words and names. I still lose a thought when I'm having a conversation and I learn new skills slowly with repetition and patience know matter how simple the task may be. But today I feel slow, at peace and very calm. My heart isn't beating too fast, my hands aren't shaking, and I can appreciate the warmth of the sun on the back of my neck. I'm also OK with my house...not fitting into those neat little boxes. I'm living in the moment.

Compassion

I know that it's been awhile since my last post... Christmas and holiday has kept me busy. I haven't given up. When I haven't posted in awhile it's often when I'm having a difficult time with my illness. Anxiety and stress cause my thoughts to become confusing to me and it feels like my brain is shutting down. I'm starting to have clear thinking... Although I notice it's difficult to write this blog. I know what I want to say but it's difficult to compose anything that sounds intelligent and is meaningful. It feels like my head hurts from the confusion that I experience. But I felt the need to share an experience that I had recently as I was using my new i-pad. I was in a bookstore enjoying my cup of tea when a beautiful young woman, who looked like a high power executive, came in and sat near me. The young woman started to talk to an older couple also sitting close by. The conversation began and she, i-pod hanging around her neck, apologized because she would be talking aloud quite a bit. That seemed innocent enough until she started talking about "a mind group that she is connected to". She asked the older couple if they had ever heard of this before. They politely said no that they hadn't. The conversation took an unusual turn when she said that the talking in her head started when she began listening to her i-pod and the people in her head where calling her names that I won't repeat. She believed that the people were young kids because they spent the day calling her these horrible names which she repeatedly used as she told her story . The couple were uncomfortable and walked away as did many other people. She sat alone as everyone stared at her nervously. Even though I understand their fear I was very sad for this woman. I felt tears welling up in my eyes as she walked quietly away. It is so difficult to have a mental illness of any kind in our society because it is still a taboo subject and so many mentally ill people remain in the darkness feeling shame and isolation. Very often medical insurance doesn't cover treatment at all or covers very little. Disability Insurance also provides limited coverage compared to other illnesses as I've personally experienced. Laws have changed, but not nearly enough. People with no insurance, no family support and no significant income are often living in dire surcomstances.

With compassion, we see benevolently our own human condition and the condition of our fellow beings. We drop prejudice. We withhold judgement.

Christina Baldwin