Finding Your Way Through The Holiday

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
Bernadette Devlin

I think about this often and hope that today will be the day that I win.

Christmas day! I was up until 1:30a.m. Of course I found presents that I forgot I bought. As Jim lay snoring, I had the bed covered with ribbons, wrapping paper and bows...along with all of those sharp instruments that are necessary in the wrapping of presents which can also be useful in the torturing of husbands who fall asleep conveniently at the exact moment that the wrapping of presents commences. The bright lights,the boxes banging,and the wrapping paper racket however, did not affect Jim's snoring. I love wrapping presents with colorful bows and curling ribbons covering beautifully bright paper but I usually wait until the last minute and have to use last year's left overs. This year I felt more exhausted than usual but it seemed to be both mental and physical exhaustion which causes tremors, confusion and anxiety among a host of other systems. My thoughts were so difficult to grasp and organize that I just couldn't move. There was no option however so I moved one slow thought and step at at a time, while the clock continued to move at what seemed like a rapid speed. It occurred to me at about one o'clock in the morning as my mind raced that I didn't take my evening medication... Very,Very bad! Keeping on a set schedule is vital in the control of symptoms. I knew I would pay for it on Christmas Day, which of course was the next day when our family came for dinner. I would very likely have anxiety attacks, tremors and confusion along with a number of other unknown symptoms. The holiday season is stressful for most people. You might even read this and say that you experience the same issues, which I don't deny. However, having Bipolar disorder multiplies most feelings by at least ten. Days like these are so difficult that I find completing even the smallest tasks nearly impossible. It's Christmas morning and everyone is excited about all of the new electronic gadgets. I can't attempt to use my new cell phone... a miniature computer that is confusing for most people but for me it's like being in a foreign country, not speaking the language and being alone without any help. Days like these require all the strength that I have which never seems like enough especially when I'm tired. That's when I feel imprisoned... painful obscure ideas, unorganized thoughts, and the darkness that feeds on itself causing the sensation of drowning. I try grasping for anything in the darkness, preventing what feels like the inescapable. All I can think about is the moment that I can take my first breath. Each mood swing is unique, each one having it's own path for me to traverse...I never know how many swings there will be in one week or even one day... It's said that everyone has a cross to bare in this life...I guess this is mine.