Finding Your Way Through The Holiday

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
Bernadette Devlin

I think about this often and hope that today will be the day that I win.

Christmas day! I was up until 1:30a.m. Of course I found presents that I forgot I bought. As Jim lay snoring, I had the bed covered with ribbons, wrapping paper and bows...along with all of those sharp instruments that are necessary in the wrapping of presents which can also be useful in the torturing of husbands who fall asleep conveniently at the exact moment that the wrapping of presents commences. The bright lights,the boxes banging,and the wrapping paper racket however, did not affect Jim's snoring. I love wrapping presents with colorful bows and curling ribbons covering beautifully bright paper but I usually wait until the last minute and have to use last year's left overs. This year I felt more exhausted than usual but it seemed to be both mental and physical exhaustion which causes tremors, confusion and anxiety among a host of other systems. My thoughts were so difficult to grasp and organize that I just couldn't move. There was no option however so I moved one slow thought and step at at a time, while the clock continued to move at what seemed like a rapid speed. It occurred to me at about one o'clock in the morning as my mind raced that I didn't take my evening medication... Very,Very bad! Keeping on a set schedule is vital in the control of symptoms. I knew I would pay for it on Christmas Day, which of course was the next day when our family came for dinner. I would very likely have anxiety attacks, tremors and confusion along with a number of other unknown symptoms. The holiday season is stressful for most people. You might even read this and say that you experience the same issues, which I don't deny. However, having Bipolar disorder multiplies most feelings by at least ten. Days like these are so difficult that I find completing even the smallest tasks nearly impossible. It's Christmas morning and everyone is excited about all of the new electronic gadgets. I can't attempt to use my new cell phone... a miniature computer that is confusing for most people but for me it's like being in a foreign country, not speaking the language and being alone without any help. Days like these require all the strength that I have which never seems like enough especially when I'm tired. That's when I feel imprisoned... painful obscure ideas, unorganized thoughts, and the darkness that feeds on itself causing the sensation of drowning. I try grasping for anything in the darkness, preventing what feels like the inescapable. All I can think about is the moment that I can take my first breath. Each mood swing is unique, each one having it's own path for me to traverse...I never know how many swings there will be in one week or even one day... It's said that everyone has a cross to bare in this life...I guess this is mine.

Building Walls

Just a Thought: Ursula K. Le Guin

"The worst walls are never the ones you find in your way. The worst walls are the ones you put there...you build yourself. Those are the high ones, the thick ones, the ones with no doors."

They're too easy to build and they create a false sense of security but eventually they just keep out the people who matter the most...  who will help support your recovery. I find that I still build my walls.  If I feel embarrassed by my perceived failures I hide...or my fear of failing... I hide. Eventually I just stay hidden. Temple Grandin is an inspiration. She is an Autistic woman born during a time when institutionalization was the primary treatment. She was lucky enough to have a mother who had the strength to fight for the rights of her daughter...who taught her one small step at a time. Sadly enough her daughter grew up during  a time that had little experience and no real research to provide to the medical professionals. She experienced  the pain of being different in a world that is afraid of difference... is unsure... and has devised an unspoken yet visible system of boxes... labeled by society. If you're unlucky and don't fit into any of those boxes... there are societal judgements made, and there are those who stand clear because they're unsure of what to expect. Temple Grandin didn't fit so she built her own boxes. She experienced much prejudice in her life but she persevered. Since I have started this blog, I have had few of those painful experiences. I don't want pity or special treatment. I just want understanding... I wear my emotions on my sleeve like a badge which I'd rather keep hidden because the world isn't always fair. You play the cards that you've been dealt... you try to knock down the walls...to face everyone and everything that life throws at you.

The story of Temple Grandin is on HBO. It has received many awards and is one of the most powerful movies written about Autism. I think it is worth seeing even if you've watched it in the past. This time think   about all of those in this world who may be considered "different"... who don't want sympathy, just understanding and compassion.

Freshly Brewed Coffee

I'll never forget the first house that Jim and I purchased. It was a townhouse on a street with other townhouses that were all the same dull shade of brown. The road curved back around to the main road of the development so that it made the shape of a horseshoe which I hoped meant good luck. The beauty of the house was not its color, its layout or even the road that it stood on but rather the pine forest with its maze of trails and the sounds of the wildlife that lived there. We sat on our deck whenever we could just to enjoy the sounds of the birds and the shade that the trees provided in the back of the house. Of course the aroma of  french vanilla coffee brewing added to the sense of peace and calm that I always felt there.  Those forest sounds and that first sip of coffee were soothing even during my worst bipolar mood swings. It is often said that remembering an event in your life is directly connected to your memory of the senses that were experienced. The vivid memories that I have of that small townhouse help me recollect the more difficult events in that period of my life. It was a few years after we bought our house that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was a frightening diagnosis at the worst possible time, as Jim and I had just started the paperwork to adopt our son Jake from Korea. The diagnosis could affect our chances of adoption since mental illness is often an immediate dismissal in regard to foreign adoptions. My illness was not in its worst state at that time so my psychotherapist and my family doctor felt that it could be managed with medication and that it was unnecessary to share that information with the adoption agency. I was so grateful to them for seeing me as a person and not a medical form, which rarely happens with mental illness. I had a very different experience when I had to find a psychiatrist to dispense medication because my family doctor and my therapist didn't feel qualified to give me the care that I needed. Finding a Psychiatrist who treated me with respect and listened to my concerns was a difficult prospect. My first session with my Psychiatrist lasted all of 15 minutes. At the conclusion of this brief and disturbing visit he informed me that our meetings will not consist of therapy just evaluating medications "because that's how Psychiatrists work". My understanding of my rights as a patient and my need to advocate for myself was limited. I realized shortly after that visit that I needed to take charge of my own care.  Unfortunately my experience with that Psychiatrist did not end there. After my family moved to a new city about 45 minutes away from my little townhouse I continued to remain under his care since I was unsure of how to find another doctor. On one occasion I failed to ask for another refill of my medication.  I was in a state of panic and anxiety, my heart was racing as I called my psychiatrist to request an immediate refill of that medication. He responded by yelling at me on the phone because I didn't get the script during our last visit. It became evident that I needed to find a new doctor. This was the worst experience that I have had but there were several other psychiatrists, therapists and even pharmacists over the years that "stopped working" for a variety of reasons. One doctor spent most of our sessions telling me stories about his family. A pharmacy that I chose to use due to its convenient location, were often rude to me and treated me as if  I were crazy. When Jim went to pick up the prescriptions, however, he was treat with a smile and the respect that I was not given. I left that pharmacy and found most people that I dealt with spoke to me with kindness and often engaged me in simple conversation not related to my medication and most importantly, there was always a smile.  There are few words to describe how those short conversations mean to me.  I am finally under the care of a few doctors and pharmacists that work as a team to provide me with the support that I need. The "moral" to this absurdly long tale is to advocate for yourself and to "move on" if someone stops "working" for you. Don't worry about hurting their feelings because this is all about you. Advocate for yourself in any situation in which you feel you haven't been treated with respect, including pharmacies,  nurses as well as on-call-agencies that some doctors use. I have been lucky enough to find a wonderful team of professionals who treat me with respect and who think of me as a person first and then as someone who suffers from Bipolar disorder. They never refer to me as bipolar because that implies that I am my illness not that I have that illness. Don't worry about hurting the feelings of a professional because this is about you and finding the best way to treat your illness. Remember to keep trying to find the small corner of peace in your world where you can hear the birds sing and you can smell that first cup of coffee brewing.

Just a Thought:   By Walt Whitman

I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware, I sit content
And if each and all be aware,
I sit content