Tae Kwon Do

 It is not for the perfectionist... you will fail simply because of your own unrealistic expectations. I am that perfectionist. Walking in the door... bowing to the flags and stepping onto the mat sometimes feels like a big leap of faith... I hope I'll remember my kicks, "stationary-hands", (defensive and offensive hand moves), and the dreaded "form", the seamless flow and power that is the sport of martial arts. It is as if you are playing an instrument in which the form is the music... if you hit the wrong note you change the song. You can keep going and get back on track or you can freeze and forget what note to play next. I just can't start again...My thoughts race... trying  just to move in some direction even the wrong one. But I'm lost and the anger, frustration and sadness take hold.  All of this happens in front of  an audience which in my confused state of panic, anxiety and paranoia causes racing thoughts: Are they thinking that I'm inadequate and wasting their time, or are they busy waiting for their turn and thinking about their own form or feeling relieved that their turn is over. I can't think clearly in this state of anxiety which weighs on me one heavy brick at a time. Successful completion of even one skill means at that moment I have conquered my fears and one small battle in the fight with this disease.